Alternate title: When Your Plans Don’t Work Out
I’ve written several versions of this post in my head and I just wanted to finally get it typed up. I should be studying for a midterm right now, but I can’t focus until I get this out of my head. (Side note… The reason why there is no associated image with this post is because I just can’t find or think of any image that is marginally relevant to what this post is about.)
Before I write any further, let me just state the obvious… I have made a major mistake. Oops. But honestly, I feel that this statement could be the way I could describe my entire life thus far.
A few semesters ago, I set aside some time to figure out my class schedules for the remainder of my time at BYU. After some research, I knew which classes I wanted to take and which ones I had to take. The one thing I didn’t realize was how many I had to take.
After this semester I will have completed all of the requirements for my major. I also will have had all of the required university courses complete for an entire year. The glaring omission is the required number of courses. I am still just 7 credits shy of the university requirements… So what did I do? I tried to make the best of my situation and enrolled in the Business Minor that I’ve thought about doing since my first semester at BYU.
So in this case, I had to un-plan. I had to undo all my plans for post-graduation and make all brand-new ones.
Ok, now time for a super specific, and very Provo-culture-sounding experience. In the past, I have expressed my disdain for roommates. I have had some roommates in the past that were great, some that were ok (although messy), and some that absolutely hated me. My disdain today is because of roommates. Not my roommates, mind you, but other people’s roommates.
In Provo, the culture here is that if you are not dating, you are doing something very, very wrong. Also, the culture here is that if you are not married at a young age, or by the time you have graduated, there must be something wrong with you. No one explicitly says this to people. However, attending singles wards has left this scarring impression on me and many of the other people that have graduated from BYU without finding “their eternal companion”.
I haven’t opened up about myself to many people. The reason for that is because I don’t really have friends. Since my Sophomore year in High School, I have been incredibly introverted. I haven’t had a close friend since… ever. I’ve never had a friend who knew my secrets and I have never been entrusted with anyone else’s.
Likewise, I have never been in a committed relationship. I have gone on dates, but I must do everything wrong. I am undatable. I am no one’s ideal boyfriend. I am not even attractive to anyone, at least not to anyone that I’ve ever been on a date with. Of course this is not true, but I have been friend-zoned so many times that I am beginning to believe these thoughts. I try not to listen to these sinister thoughts, but it is hard sometimes.
How does this relate to roommates? Well… There is one girl that I really, really, liked. I asked her out a few times and we talked a ton. I spent more time with her, when I was home in Arizona, than I did with my family. Then she came up to Utah and invited me over to her apartment. When I was at her place, her roommates were talking about setting her up with a “hot guy”. I’m just in the corner thinking “🤡”. Just moments later, this same guy comes over and then it’s as if I don’t exist anymore. Just a couple months later, they were engaged.
A more recent experience… I asked a girl to go see a movie… big mistake. I didn’t explicitly say that it was a D-A-T-E because I thought that it was implied since it would just be the two of us (and we had gone on another date previously). I tried to get physically close to her, but she was 100% not feeling it. She even held her own hands in her lap for the entire duration of the movie, haha. At the end of the movie, she said that she was hungry so I offered to buy her tacos (because we both agreed that we loved tacos and I was moderately hungry, too). Midway through our “non-date”, her roommate called. Her roommate was going on a multi-way date with some random people and one of the guys in the group needed a date. This girl I was with IMMEDIATELY agreed to go. I literally had just paid for the movie and the tacos, but she was ready to leave me and be with someone that she had never met, nor seen.
I have this terrible problem where when I find someone that I like, I think of all the possibilities that I could have with that person. In all of these friend-zone situations, I have had to un-plan my stupid plans that I had thought of.
The thought that kept coming to my mind this week comes from my Grandma Hunt who said “Our family’s faith is not dependent on outcomes”. This has resonated with me and can be applied to so many things other than just faith and religion. My success and happiness is not dependent on outcomes. My self-acceptance is not dependent on outcomes.
I was talking to my bishop recently who said “I love talking to you. You are always so positive”. I was taken aback because usually I receive comments to the contrary. However, hearing that from my bishop made me tear up because it made me feel like I had a positive impact on other people’s lives. That is how I want to be remembered… a positive person.
I don’t know who is reading this. It could be my family, some stranger, a girl that I wrote about above, a recruiter from LinkedIn… but I just wanted to say that I am in a good place right now. I don’t harbor the evil thoughts that I mentioned earlier. Depression in Utah is a serious thing and I think that it comes from these extreme social norms. Just know that even if you are not in a relationship, you are worth it. I can’t stand when people say “you are loved” because it has never felt genuine to me (especially when the reason you are down is because you can’t find love). BUT! Please know that you are worth it.
If your plans don’t work out, please don’t worry. Un-planning happens all the time and everything will be alright.